Signs Of Violence

Jealousy and Possessiveness: Accuses partner of cheating; wants to be with partner all the time; must know where the partner has been (and with whom) when not together.

Controlling Behaviour: Questions partner about friends and activities; partner needs permission to do certain things. Justifies control with “concern” for partner’s safety and well-being.

Quick Involvement: Love at first sight; pressure for commitment; needy; often living together or engaged within six months or less after the first meeting.

Unrealistic Expectations: Places partner on a pedestal with excessive compliments and flattery. Expects the partner to be perfect – always there for him/her.

Isolation: Cuts partner off from friends and family; limits use of the car, telephone, and the internet; interferes with work, school, and other activities. The approach is “you and me against the world.”

Blames Others: Won’t take responsibility for behaviour/feelings; blames others (boss, partner, family, partner’s family, etc.). “You make me mad; you hurt me by not doing what I ask.”

Hypersensitivity: The abuser is easily insulted and sees most things as personal attacks. He or she often looks for fights or blows things out of proportion and is unpredictable.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Frequent, sudden, and extreme mood changes; appears charming and rational to outsiders, but is nasty, controlling, mean-spirited and often outraged at home.

Rigid Gender Roles: Males favour “traditional” roles, believe women are inferior and need to be “king of the household.” They also believe people are “meant” to be in relationships.

Use of Force During Sex: Force is excused as “playful” but shows little concern for the comfort level or needs of the partner. He/she also makes sexually degrading jokes about the partner.

Disrespectful or Cruel to Others: Generally dismissive; punishes children and animals a lot; teases children until they cry; insensitive to the pain and suffering of others.

Verbal Abuse of Any Kind: physical abuse of any kind, threats of any kind, harming property in any way: All these behaviours create a controlling atmosphere based on fear and intimidation.

Past Abusive Relationships: People may eventually learn that a partner was abusive in past relationships. The abusive person may say it is a lie, protest that the former partner is crazy or vengeful, or will minimize the abuse or characterize it as unique to the former relationship. Abuse is a pattern that will continue in all relationships without appropriate intervention.

The person’s partner exhibits several of the signs listed above: Though the abused person exhibits no outward signs, the partner appears to be abusive, based on the above.

Withdraws from others: Reduces communication with family, friends, and colleagues; has little or no social life; stops attending events or participating in activities formerly enjoyed.

Personality and/or mood changes: Seems more guarded; less outgoing; has mood swings; depressed and/or anxious; may seem more “hyper”, “fearful”, etc.

Won’t make decisions: Increasingly indecisive: may become “flustered” due to eroding self-esteem; needs to ask or consult with the partner about almost anything.

Limited access to money: Rarely has money for personal spending; often says “can’t afford” that; needs to ask partner for money; has to justify or explain purchases (even groceries).

May hint about problems: May refer to conflict or arguments at home; wonder how to make the relationship work; refer to a partner’s “anger”, “temper”, or “stress”, etc. – increasingly.

Chronic health problems: bruises/injuries not adequately explained: Frequent headaches, colds, etc; absenteeism; weird explanations (falls down a lot, walking into things, etc.).

Uses drugs and alcohol to self-medicate or cope: Increased drinking; prescribed medications (anti-depressants, pain-killers, etc.) – deals with the effects of abuse, not the abuse itself.

Talks about partner’s substance abuse: May use substance abuse to explain or justify partner’s behaviour; remember, however, that substance abuse does not cause domestic abuse.

Appears to be neglected: Clothing and hygiene unkempt; parents late to pick up/drop off at school/other activities; missed appointments; lunches, forms, library books, etc., forgotten; etc.

Changes in personality/behaviour: May become passive/withdrawn, or aggressive and angry; may become easily distracted or overly focused; may have mood swings; may be a bully, etc.

Hyper-vigilant or overly responsible: Needs to be perfect, defers to/takes care of others; at home, is overly responsible for housework, siblings, care of the abused parent, etc.

Fearful of parental reactions: Guarded and watchful around parents, in tune with parents’ feelings, moods, etc., may visibly flinch if parents become even slightly angry, etc.

Talks about parents’ anger and fighting: Fighting may be spoken of as normal, joked about or downplayed; likely warned not to talk about family secrets but may do so anyway.

Smokes and/or abuses substances: Older children (11+) may use substances to self-medicate or feel cool or in control, and may have easy access to substances within the home.

Excessive non-compliance: Breaks school/social rules; socially immature; poor academic achievement; disrespectful; verbally abusive; petty crime; high-risk behaviour; runs away, etc. (Behaviour is due to neglect and exposure to abuse; punishment is not a response.)

Mistakenly diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: Many of these signs are similar to behaviours commonly associated with ADHD – avoid making assumptions or misdiagnosing based on behaviour alone.)

At risk of being directly abused: About 60% of children exposed to spousal abuse are themselves abused; high risk of physical and sexual abuse; along with the above, they may have poorly explained injuries/illnesses; they may have inappropriate knowledge of sex/sexual behaviour, etc.

Your most important job is to listen. While your first instinct may be to take action, resist that urge. Give your support by showing concern, listening and being there when needed. Don’t offer specific advice about leaving but instead be a link to resources in the community. It must be the person’s decision to leave.

If you are confident that there is an explicit threat to cause physical harm or if you are witnessing the violence directly, do call the police. Be sure to contact Child and Family Services if children are in danger.